Squirty Thirty

2011 marks a huge milestone for the world. Not only is it the year that the warranty finally expired on Charlie Sheen’s brain, but it’s also the year that Momma turned 30. To avoid any awkwardness over the fact that I just referred to myself as “Momma”, I’d like to remind everyone that I’m 30 now and I do what I want.

After a long and meaningful conversation with my Long Island Iced Tea I realized two very important things. The first was that I’m really getting too old to mix my liquors. The second was how much I’ve really learned about life in the past 30 years. It has taken me all thirty of those years to obtain this wealth of knowledge that I keep secured in my medium sized head. And if I ever get the chance to travel back in time I think that I could really teach my younger self a thing or two about a thing or two. This realization along with the help of a couple friends’, who have posted similar blogs, inspired me to make a list of such things.

So without further adieu, I give you The List.

Ten Things I'd Teach My Younger Self:

1. The fact that you can actually see your abdominal muscles through your skin means you’re in amazing shape. What it absolutely does not mean is that you’re fat. At some point in your life your abs will be harder to find than Obama’s birth certificate and you’ll wish you wore a bikini more often instead of obsessing about how fat you are.

2. Resist the urge to do something just because all your friends are doing it. Like smoking pot, for instance. You will never want to explain that to your future children. Another example might be dressing like a Spice Girl.

3. Honesty is, was and always will be the Best Policy 90% of the time. In the remaining 10% of the time the Best Policy becomes keeping your freakin’ mouth shut.

4. You do not suck at math. It just takes more effort than you’re willing to give. Pay attention now because you’re going to need it later in life when you’re adding up the number of days since you’re last period, the amount of weight you’ve gained and the money you would be making if you took math more seriously and didn’t skip college.

5. You know that cute football player that already has a prom date? Don’t worry too much about that. Not only will you be making out with him by the vending machines on prom night, but you might even end up marrying him some day, and then every morning for the rest of your life you’ll wake up to a high school reunion.

6. Mom knows your lying. She’s just too burnt out from raising the other five to actually call you on it. This doesn’t mean that you have the upper hand. It means she duped you first.

7. Be leery of any man who starts out a sentence with the words, “Trust me,” Any interaction at all with such men will inevitably result in, “It’s a boy.”

8. Don’t take it for granted that Dad calls you regularly – even if it’s to sing “Happy Birthday” to you three days late and in the middle of the night. Before you know it he’ll be gone and you’ll be sitting around all sad and teary, fiending a drunk dial.

9. The things you do now will follow you forever. Case in point: today you might think it’s cute to purposely drop your pencil “on accident” in order to bend over in front of the boys but I assure you that when you’re older and everyone still remembers, it will somehow be less amusing.

10. Cherish your siblings. Never take them for granted. You will be doing yourself a great disservice if at some point in your life it takes losing one to make you realize how precious the rest of them are.



P.S. Really, Charlie Sheen? Get it together. Courtney Love and Mel Gibson would like to remind you that it's getting a little crowded in Crazy Town.