By springtime there were many changes going on in my world of Pregnant. Not normally one to welcome warm weather, I have to say it was growing on me…like a yeast infection! The only thing worse than being hot was being hot and sweaty, and I had recently begun to sweat more profusely than a Tijuana hooker at mass. I tried to wear short sleeves but my arms were also pregnant and the last thing I wanted to do was scare any more children than I already had.
At a friend’s weekend BBQ I spent 20 minutes trying to convince a horrified four-year-old that I did not swallow the baby inside of me. I stopped trying after I realized that the truth of how the baby had ended up there was even more petrifying.
I was off sex for good! I had denounced men of all kind; sworn off penises long and wide. It was probably for this reason that I was convinced my little accident would produce for me a baby girl – a tiny, sugary and spicy - hopefully not too bitchy - baby girl.
My brother had 3 daughters before he died way too young and although it was a far cry to think that I’d ever fill his giant shoes, I had high hopes of bringing to the family the next granddaughter. I had romantic visions in my head of teaching my baby girl morals and values and how not to be a shameless hussy – as if I knew. We’d be like a “My Buddy” commercial from the 80’s…
My Buddy My Buddy My Buddy My Buddy…Wherever I go…YOU’RE gunna go!
We’d frolic in the clover patch, hands joined and swinging in circles happily while the sun shined and the birds chirped…I could see it now.
My ultrasound was moments away and for some sick reason it is believed that they cannot determine the sex of your baby until your pupils are yellow and you’re writhing in bladder-filled pain.
You can do this, I thought – and as long as they kept all their devices away from my rectum I was certain that I could. Sit there while they squirt ice cold ultrasound goo on your pelvis, find out it’s the daughter you’re certain it is, piss on the table to teach them a lesson and get the hell outta there. That was the plan.
And there it was; short, shriveled and so unholy.
Why did my daughter have a penis?
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