My First Entry: Up The Spout!

In my first pregnancy I learned quickly that “pregnant” isn’t just a state of being, it’s a foreign world. After reluctantly agreeing to inhabit this foreign world, I made an appointment to see my physician for further confirmation that my 2 missed periods, widening ass and burning nipples were in fact due to the parasite within. Thanks to the parasite’s absentee father it was decided that the part of my husband would be played by my sister – who was virtually single and hadn’t yet been blessed with any parasites of her own. As a side note, I always hated it when people would say “absentee father”. What does that even mean? Is it like a more convenient method of fathering where they assign a man all of his parenting hardships in writing and if he chooses not to be present for the next 18 plus years he just responds within 30 days by mail? Anyway, the call back from the doctor’s office went something like this…

Phone: Ring…Ring…

Me: “Hello?”

Insensitive Nurse: “Hi this is your insensitive nurse calling from the doctor’s office. I see here you have been diagnosed with pregnancy…?”

Me: “Tell me insensitive nurse…IS IT SERIOUS???”

Since my “diagnosis” happened after I was already more than 2 months pregnant, my first visit with the gynecologist skipped right past the “getting to know you” portion and straight for the filthy fun! As I laid there glaring at my husband (sister) with a look of horror on my face the doctor continued to have her way with me. Normally when I get handled this way, I at least make the person buy me a strong drink first! I was feeling so uncomfortable about the situation that I could barely understand the words, “It appears your uterus is tilted rectally,” coming out of the doctor’s mouth. As you see here, the foreign world of Pregnant also has its own language. “We’re going to have to do a rectal examination to figure out how far along you are.”

It was becoming increasingly apparent that no orifice was off limits.

And with a snap of her rubber glove, all I could bare to mutter was, “Doctor…you had me at ‘rectal’.”