A Letter of Gratitude to My Favorite One-Stop Shop:

With Valentine's Day fast approaching I wanted to take a moment to compose a letter of gratitude to one of my greatest loves - Wal-Mart. Thanks for making every trip to the grocery store more interesting...

To All My Favorite People of Wal-Mart:

Thank you!!

Thank you, greeter at the entrance for always pointing out that my baby is barefoot. Perhaps you could volunteer to follow us around and pick his socks up out of the aisle every 14 seconds when he pulls them off and throws them.

Thank you, old toothless man who insists on offering my children candy. Every mother’s dream is for her kids to learn that strangers have the BEST candy.

Thank you, other mom with quiet children who managed to put on make up before you arrived. I suppose you also fed them something healthy for breakfast and they’re wearing socks and shoes. Show off.

Thank you, lady in produce with the extra long, curly fingernails for that silent reminder of why it’s always good to wash thoroughly before you eat!

Thank you, young lady at the deli with a mustache. Without you I would surely forget that we’re out of razors.

Thank you, janitor for holding back your look of disgust when you discover that it’s us again at the end of the Hansel and Gretel trail of fruit snacks and goldfish.

Thank you, lady stocking shelves for lying about how you loved every single day of raising your babies. Next I suppose you’ll tell me you’re also quite fond of root canals and yeast infections.

Thank you, lady in check out lane 14. It’s awesome when you excitedly point out that I just bought two bags of chocolate covered pretzels yesterday. I suppose next you’ll remind me it’s been 28 days since I last purchased tampons.

Thank you, old lady in the parking lot for taking off with my cart before I was able to load my econo-sized box of condoms into the car and also for forcing me to run through two rows of cars to retrieve them from you. Despite the fact that I look homeless, I’m really just a stay at home mom and I REALLY don’t need any more kids.