1. Housework – A woman who does housework receives the gift of having a clean house. A man who does housework gets after-hours massages and sex. No explanation of unfairness is necessary here.
2. Childcare - As you know, I’m a housewife. The kitchen is my office. And the kids are kind of my gig, I get it. There are obvious benefits to my job such as casual everyday’s, permanent ponytails and optional showers. Notice nowhere in there did I say retirement options, paid vacation or free nights and weekends.
I received a text message the other night from my husband, who was playing on his phone three feet from where our one-year-old was supposed to be sleeping. The text said, “baby up”.
Although I’m not fluent in Caveman, I assumed he was trying to tell me the baby was awake. Now, don't get me wrong. My husband works his ass off at an overly stressful job and he totally deserves to come home, unwind and not have to worry about another thing until tomorrow. But guess what? That’s the same thing I’m screaming over here in the corner! I’m not saying I shouldn’t have to get my lazy ass up and deal with the crying kid. I’m just saying that on a scale from sane to bat-shit-crazy, chances are slim I’d ever get away with sending the same text message his way.
3. Thirty Minute Bathroom Breaks – It takes me exactly1½ minutes to use the bathroom. Two if it’s Shark Week. And I have to do it with tiny, filthy little demon spawns banging on or peeking and reaching under the door like midget zombies who want to crawl up my leg and eat my brain. When my husband gets up to go it’s understood that he’ll be disappearing into the master bathroom for at least 20 minutes. And probably more like 30.
I used to wonder why men need to shit so often and why it takes them so long to do it. After all these years I’m pretty sure I have it all figured out. The truth behind why men pile wet towels on their bathroom floor and refuse to hang them up is that there’s a secret door buried under those towels that opens up when they jiggle the toilet handle. Through the door is a tunnel that leads to a freezing cold beer cellar where a super hot blonde with giant boobs in a bikini serves them a frothy mug with their name printed on it, and never speaks. She just silently massages their shoulders while they enjoy their beer and flip through 75 sports channels for the next 30 minutes. Then they come back to us when they decide we’ve become suspicious. They get away with this because nobody ever bothers them in the bathroom for fear of the fumes. Meanwhile you’ve already had to pee twice with the zombie apocalypse going down outside your bathroom door.
The next time you fake constipation to play a quiet game of Bejeweled Blitz on the pot don’t feel guilty. You totally deserve it.
4. Flatulence – Since we're already on the subject of poop, let’s talk briefly about gas. When men are gassy they let that shit rumble without apology. If you’re awoken at 3AM by fumes that could peel the paint off the walls you’re expected to deal with it because (and I quote) “It’s just natural.” But why aren’t we allowed the same privilege? If I dare to let a sweet and subtle little womanly puff of air pass by in the middle of the night while I’m in the deepest stages of REM, not only will my husband wake me up to tell me about it, but he also feels like it’s appropriate dinner conversation - especially while in public. According to him girls don’t fart or poop. He won’t even acknowledge the fact that I have an anus.
5. Body Hair – There are no preconceived notions that a man should remove his body hair and pretend that it doesn’t exist. So why am I pouring hot wax on my face and suffering third degree razor burns in my crotch? Your husband can spend his entire life closely resembling a yeti, yet you’re one nipple whisker away from total damnation and eternal reminders of why you're gross.
6. Scratching in Public – There is nothing politically incorrect about a man engaged in an intense game of pocket pool in public places. On the other hand, it’s going to take a bottlebrush to relieve an innocent womanly discomfort. This is where they came up with the term “an itch too deep to scratch”. There is no masterful pinch-n-roll technique to relieve a lady itch. Unfair doesn’t even cover it.
7. Penis Envy - This is a huge one (no totally inappropriate pun intended). Not only is a man born with a permanent tug toy attached to his body, he can pee standing up, which is so many degrees of unfair it’s not even funny. I’m remembering all the times I had to wait in a never-ending line to use an outhouse while the only inconvenience a man ever has to face is pulling over so he can hop out and relieve himself on the tire. Don’t even get me started on toilet paper. Or road-head for that matter.
There are so many more that I'm leaving out. Not because I can't think of them but because my house is a mess, I haven't started dinner and it's been exactly five days since I've washed my hair. Since these are all considered "pink" jobs in my house, I had better get started before my spawns wake up from nap time or my husband returns unexpectedly from work and sees that I've accomplished nothing today.
What are some of your favorites? Let's put off doing our chores for a little longer while we discuss them together in the comments section.
P.S. I'll be damned if I'm taking out the trash!
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